Dear Asshole at "Watchmen" Last Night....

First off, thanks for coming late.

...And making the poor guys down the row move down to make room for you, since they came an hour early to sit where they wanted, and you showed up during the previews like an ass.

Second, thanks for sitting your trio right fucking next to me. It looked like smooth sailing and I was almost going to enjoy the movie until you came along.

Your girlfriend was next to me, creating a barrier between us. For which, you are lucky.

Your girlfriend probably didn't need you to lean over every 2 minutes to explain how what she's looking at is just like in the comic book you read.

You could have just told her before it started that you've read the book and were really looking forward to the movie. Instead, you reminded her how like the book the film was constantly. She did not seem to care according to her many "Oh"'s and "Alright"'s.

The friend you brought, who sat to your right three seats over from me, clearly had read the book, too. Him having read the book, you pointing at the screen to point out something he had probably seen for himself already was really not necessary.

Especially every 30 seconds.

The opening credits are a summary of a number of events throughout the book. You liked them. I know this because you did the 'ok' sign with both hands afterward and announced "Perfect!!" for all to hear.

The Comedian's murder in the opening scene triggers a number of events througout the story. It's one of the most important scenes in the book. You enjoyed the film version. This I know from your individual round of applause at the end of the scene, accompanied by a retarded "Ya!".

Shut the fuck up.

Hollis Mason has an owl clock on his wall. Oh I get it, he was the first Nite Owl. And he has an owl clock on the wall. Fucking cute. I don't need you to say "Ha, an owl!" outloud. I can see it. It's white and it's on the wall on the 50' wide movie screen I'm staring at.

There is a map of America on the screen during a superhero meeting. Nobody can read what any of the pinpoints say, it's just a prop. Why are you leaning forward in your seat and pointing at the map with your arm fully extended asking your friend what it says here, here and there?!

I give you the shut the fuck up look but don't want to disturb your poor girlfriend. You don't see me because you're too busy asking for friend if he "Saw that". Which I assume he did.

Your friend is missing what's happening now, though, because you won't stop talking to him.

The issue where Dr. Manhattan exists continuously at any moment within his lifetime is my favourite part of the series. You don't know this because I sat quietly as this sequence began. It is also your favourite part of the series. I know this because when it began, you turned to your, surely by now ex-girlfriend, and erupted (after a loud slap to your knee) "This is my favourite part of the book!"

By the way, nice brown cap. The movie has scenes from the 40's, that doesn't mean you have to dress the part. You dick.

The actor playing Rorshach's phsyciatrist is a good fit. I agree. But you don't see me shouting "Aw that guy's perfect", do you? No. Know why? Cause I'm not a dick.

The fat guy in jail, you've seen him in another movie. You know when you should bring that up? ... AFTER the movie!!!

But just to be sure I know which fat guy you're referring to, lean forward and point at the screen like there's a button on it you're trying to push.

There is an explosion near the end. There is a brief moment of silence before the explosion. I know it's coming. There's an instant of silence to make the explosion seem much more dramatic. During this silent moment, I do not need you to put your hands together in a ball, then spread them apart until your arms are fully extended while making an explosion sound.

The movie is over. Josh, me and your girlfriend all get up to leave. You sit her back down because you want to watch the credits. You probably know somebody who knows somebody who knows a guy through Facebook that was a grip on the movie.

It's the next day and you ruined the movie for everyone around you. I truly hope you are now single, have one less friend, and did in fact go home and fuck yourself.